Fear-Paralyze or Motivate?

Hello.

Oh my. About one month ago, I went to my daughter's college to pay her tuition bill. It is also my alma mater. After paying the bill I asked if there was anyone from the English department available to talk to me. There was, so I went.

The gentleman (younger than I) was very inviting and enthusiastic to talk with me. He knew my daughter and in spite of that (only kidding!!!) he still wanted to talk to me.

Our conversation went something like...
Me: What would I have to do to get a degree in English?
Him: Well, you'd have to take these courses and some gen. ed. classes?
Me: Language? Math?
Him: I'm not sure, probably no language, but maybe a math.
Me: Oh no.
Him: The good news is all of your old credits from your previous degree will be accepted.
Me: So, I won't be starting from scratch.
Him: No.
Me: Do you go easy on over 40 year olds?
Him: (Laugh, laugh.) We like over 40 year olds.
Then he handed me an application, course booklet and English major requirements.

The next day I mailed in my application and figured, I wouldn't get in so quickly because it was three weeks till the semester began.

Well, tomorrow, I go to my second day of college classes heading straight for an English degree.

I am so afraid. I actually have a queasy stomach. I have been trying to assess why I'm afraid. First, I'm afraid my daughter will see me on campus. I am actively hiding from her, because I imagine as a 20 year old, I would NOT want to see my mom walking around her college campus. Second, I'm afraid I won't be able to do all the homework and home work. Third, I'm afraid of the costs. I had to sign some hefty loan papers at a time when things are a bit tight. Fourth, I'm afraid I won't be successful, which to me means actually getting a degree in English. If I flunk out of this, I don't know what I will do in my life. As good a PT that I am, I just do not want to do it forever.

Then I thought a little about my journey thus far. I made it through the rigors of the PT program, the first time I went to college. Then, I walked through my son's cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Then I learned the devastating news of his learning disabilities and became educated on TBI and advocated for him. Then, I divorced my first husband and supported my three kids while still being responsible for my son's continuing medical issues. Then I met a new man and built a new and improved relationship. Then I had a fourth child at 40 years of age. And, I continue to survive raising my older kids.

So, I looked at fear.
Am I afraid of school and all that means? YES.
Was I afraid of each of the obstacles I faced on my journey thus far? YES.
What am I going to do about it?

Well, I can stay home tomorrow and not go to class and pursue English or I can put one foot in front of the other, and face the uncertainties. Since, I believe, I've walked through more scary things in the past, I decided that going to class and facing those challenges will eventually inspire me to new and different life experiences. I am choosing motivation over paralysis.

Would you?

Have hope,
Donna